Å bli berørt er å la kjærligheten i livet åpenbare seg;
spedbarnet med sitt naturlige åpne hjerte, den voksne som søker å gjenvinne tilliten - for å tørre å åpne hjertet på nytt.
Bert Hellinger on: What is Familyconstellation
Bert Hellinger on: Our Mother and Father
Interwiev with Gerhard Walper at Unity Center in Oslo March 2014 talking about what is familyconstellation.
What is Family Constellation? It is about love in relationships. How we want and strive for belonging. How to open our hearts again, to feel connected, be included. So at last we can relax, experience more peace, rest and joy.
The method helps us to gain greater insight and understanding of important dynamics in our family system that affects us in ways we are not often aware. Family Constellation open a space, to see and feel that we are part of a bigger context; how significant events in the family system, several generations back, may be connected with and affect our lives and relationships today. There may be a feeling of not progressing, of being separated or not be present in our lives. Physical and psychological symptoms and diseases, we can observe some times are linked to events previous generations back. Or how joy and peace are linked with the feeling of being part of and connected with a greater we, being at the right place.
Why is it so? Family Constellations founder, Bert Hellinger, saw working with families, our emotions, states and behavior sometimes could not be explained by events in our biography. It had to be something beyond that influenced them. He discovered that a person's behavior often resembled a former member of the family, often one that was excluded, or a destiny or feelings that were not incorporated. In a way ancestors or other members of the family "talk" to us, to be remembered and included, to get their right place, in the quest for solutions and come to a rounding. For example, a traumatic event with unresolved feelings, like a family member's sudden death several generations back, may be present in and affect the later members current life. Somehow we live or repeat the person's fate or his unresolved feelings.
Healing takes place when the person and feelings are recognized and included. The symptom, the difficulty we experience, may represent what is missing, what that needs our attention, our love. First we need to discover and see what is and was, for that we will need courage and support! We wish to invite what was excluded and welcome it with love. Say yes to it and give it a place in our heart. With insight and kindness we can integrate the past and frozen energy can be released. At last we can relax, experience more peace and rest. Sometimes this is a painful process. We try to put the old behind, to let go and turn focus on to the future and live here and now.
Everyone is warmly welcome to the field of Family Constellation, to connect again. Many experience Family Constellation as a practical method where you immediately get in touch with deeper layers within yourself and the hidden dynamics in the family system and other systems we are part of. This way of Family Constellation work often begins with a meditation, as we look into these, often ancient, patterns that prevent growth and expression. What and who is waiting for us to be seen and be recognized? Do they have a message for us? Perhaps the pain and challenges of a symptom, in a relationship or a difficult event, can turn to growth and be our friend!
Representatives. The method uses one or more representatives in positions to shed light on the dynamics and provide information of the relevant topics. The constellations are mostly in silence as the movements of the soul are subtle and with no words. Ones process is supported by the group and the field!
Familiekonstellasjon handler om kjærlighet i relasjoner. Hvordan vi ønsker og strever etter tilhørighet. Metoden hjelper oss i få større innsikt i og forståelse for dynamikker i eget familiesystem som påvirker oss på måter vi ofte i liten grad er bevisst. Konstellasjoner åpner opp for å se på sammenhenger, hvordan betydningsfulle hendelser i familiesystemet, også flere generasjoner tilbake, kan være forbundet med og påvirke våre liv og relasjoner i dag. Det kan være for eksempel en følelse av å ikke komme videre eller ikke være tilstede i eget liv. Fysiske og psykiske symptomer/sykdommer kan også knyttes til tidligere generasjoners hendelser. I mange familiesystem er det noe eller noen som har vært ekskludert; en person, følelse eller hendelse. Ved først å oppdage, så å gå i kontakt med det som har vært stengt ute eller avspaltet, har vi muligheten til å inkludere og løse opp det som kan ha påvirket familiesystemet. Med innsikt, støtte og vennlighet kan det gamle integreres og frosset energi forløses. Noen ganger er dette en smertefull prosess. Med litt hjelp og støtte kan vi så kanskje snu oss – legge det gamle bak og vende fokus på fremtiden og liv her og nå. Metoden bruker en eller flere representanter som står i posisjon for å belyse og gi informasjon til det aktuelle tema. På et kurs eller en kveld kan du komme for å bli kjent med metoden, stå i posisjon for andre eller gå inn i ditt eget tema.
Metoden ble utviklet av Bert Hellinger og utvikles stadig videre av hans kone Sophie Hellinger og andre familiekonstellatører.
Hellinger, B. (1999). Acknowledging what is: Zeig, Tucker & Co., Inc.
Hellinger, B. (2008). A philosophy of being. Rising in love. Berchtesgaden: Hellinger Publications.
Hellinger, B. (2011). Laws of healing. Getting well, staying well. Berchtesgaden: Hellinger Publications.
Ruppert, F. (2008). Trauma, Bonding & Family Constellations. Understanding and Healing Injuries of the Soul: Green Balloon Publishing.
Reflections on different topics -
by Bert Hellinger
(see also www.hellinger.com)
Guilt and Innocence in Relationships
Human relationships begin with giving and taking, and with this giving and taking, begins our experience of innocence and guilt. This is so because the one who gives has an expectation and the one who takes feels an obligation. Expectation on the one hand, and obligation on the other, create the basic pattern of guilt and innocence in every relationship. It serves the transaction of giving and taking. Neither giver nor taker will feel satisfied unless the giving and taking is balanced out. This means that the one who takes has to have a chance to give, and the one who gives must also be able to receive. Following is an example of what is at work.
In Africa a missionary was going to be transferred to another area. On the morning of his departure, a man who had been walking for several hours came to the missionary to present him with a small goodbye gift. The missionary realized that the man wished to thank him for having visited him when he was ill. He also understood that the small gift represented a huge sum to the man. The missionary was tempted to hand it back and even to add something to it. However, he thought better of it and accepted the money with gratitude. When we receive a gift from someone – no matter how pleased we are – we lose our independence and innocence. When we take, we feel ourselves to be in debt to the giver. We experience this debt as discomfort and endeavor to free ourselves from this pressure by giving in return. Every gift has this price. Innocence on the other hand we experience as pleasure - the pleasure of having a claim on someone when we have given without taking or given more than we have taken; the pleasure of lightness and freedom, when we owe nothing to anyone, need nothing and take nothing. The deepest satisfaction comes when we have both received and given in equal measure. To reach this place of innocence and to maintain it, there are three typical ways of behaving:
One: Sitting on the Fence
Some wish to preserve their innocence by refusing to participate in any exchange. They would rather shut down than accept anything from others. In this way, they don’t feel obliged to anyone. This is the innocence of the bystanders who do not wish to dirty their hands. Such people often feel special or consider themselves better than others, but at the same time they are often empty and discontented because they live on the sidelines of life.
Many depressives adopt this attitude. Their refusal to take begins with their father or mother, or both parents. Later on, this refusal is transferred to other relationships and onto any good things in the world. These people justify this refusal to take by saying that what is offered is not the right thing or that it is not enough. Some justify their refusal to accept what is offered by saying that it has to do with the inadequacies of the other person. However, the result is always the same: they remain inactive and feel empty.
We see the opposite in those who are willing to take from their parents. These people are able to accept their parents as they are and gratefully acknowledge and accept what is given by them. This receiving is experienced as a constant flow of energy and as happiness. It enables them to have other relationships in which they also give and take in full measure.
Two: The Helper Syndrome
A second way of experiencing innocence is bound up with the feeling of having a claim upon others. It may happen when we have given more to others than they have given to us. This kind of innocence is usually temporary because as soon as we take from the other person, our feeling of entitlement stops.
Some hang on to this sense of entitlement rather than accepting something from others in return. The sentence that goes along with this position might be: “I’d rather you felt an obligation than me.” We find this with many idealists. We know this pattern as the “helper syndrome.”
However, such freedom from obligation is not very conducive to good relationships. The partner who wishes only to give maintains a sense of superiority when in fact that feeling should be fleeting because otherwise there is no equality in the relationship. And as he refuses to take anything from others, so others will soon cease to want anything from him. They will withdraw from him or become angry with him. Such helpers remain lonely and embittered.
The third and most beautiful way of experiencing innocence is the feeling of lightness that comes after having both given and received. This exchange of giving and taking is a healthy process in relationships. It means that whoever accepts something from another person gives something of equal proportion in return. What is important is not only the exchange but also the transaction. A small turnover of giving and taking reaps small benefits, while a large turnover allows for richness. It is accompanied by feelings of plenty and happiness. Such happiness does not just drop into our lap. We are the creators of it. A large turnover brings with it feelings of satisfaction and of justice and peace. Of the many possibilities of experiencing innocence, this is the most liberating. Such innocence creates contentment.
There are some relationships, however, in which such release is not possible because there is an inherent disparity between giver and taker that cannot be overcome. This would apply in the case of parents and children, or teachers and pupils. Parents and teachers are first and foremost givers; children and pupils are takers. It is true that parents also receive something from their children, and teachers receive something from their pupils, but this does not remove the disparity; it only softens it.
But parents were themselves once children and teachers were once pupils. Equilibrium is achieved in that they pass on to the next generation what they themselves received. The next generation can do the same in its turn.
The future and the now
In harmony with the thoughts of the spirit-mind, every future is here for us now. This spirit-mind thinks everything now. In the dimension of the spirit-mind, all worries about the immediate future come to an end. Whatever concerns us immediately is shown to us now in harmony with the spirit-mind. Because there is something that is next, there is a future for us, a future that is now.
The Hellinger sciencia is for the now. All of its insights work now and work immediately. Each resistance against these insights also works now, and immediately. This is because the Hellinger sciencia is an empirical science, a science of our relationships now.
Worries and concerns
In this spiritual dimension the worries come to an end, including the worries about the future of the Hellinger sciencia. It comes from a movement of the spirit-mind, as it was thought by it, and it remains in movement, as the spirit-mind thinks it, whether people approve of it or reject it. As a universal science it demonstrates its truth through its effects.
What about our worries then, our worries about the future -- about our future, or the future of others, and the future of the world? Don’t our worries prove foolish either way, as if our worries could change or prevent something? If this were so, these worries would constitute a force against the movements of the spirit-mind, as if they were independent of the spirit-mind.
Those concerns that are in unison with the movements of the spirit-mind are different. These are concerns borne out of care for the world, and in the service of the world, as the spirit is moving it. They are in harmony with the spirit’s concerns and care. These concerns are in harmony with the orders of life, including with its beginning and its end.
Of course, we have a sense of freedom in many ways. Of course, we feel responsible for our actions and their consequences. But at the same time we know: Our freedom and our responsibility and our guilt, with all the consequences, have been thought and moved and willed in such a way that we experience them as our own – through the power of another force, a spiritual force that moves everything.
Do we behave and act differently then? Can we? From where should we take the strength to move differently and to act differently?
What is left for us to do then? To go on as before, and to agree to our freedom and to our responsibility and to our past and to our guilt with all of its consequences, just as it all is, and as we experience everything.
At the same time, though, we experience a greater conscious unison with this spirit-mind that moves all. We also experience it as a greater consciousness, for us as well as for all others who carry the consequences of our freedom and our responsibility, and who have been drawn into the consequences of our actions and of our guilt.
Thus, the many experience the same event differently. They gain different experiences from the same occurrence. When they perceive simultaneously, both being free and not free, they gain a more of conscience, and perhaps also a more of unison with this spirit-mind that moves everything. They gain a more of consciousness that takes them, as well as others, a bit further along on the path to a comprehensive consciousness.
What is eternal and remains eternal we experience as timeless. What is timeless is beyond any past, and as it is timeless, it has no future either. The timeless is at its destination, at a destination without beginning or end. Is the timeless still? Is it timelessly still, given that as long as we move within the sphere of existence, we remain in motion? Every existence we experience, and with which we are here, is in motion, and we move along with it. Therefore, only nonbeing can be timeless, without motion in our sense.
For our thinking a contradiction arises here, as our thinking is always in motion. And yet we constantly live with the not. Being, for instance, comes out of a not. It was not there before. Connected with existence is the idea that it becomes more; through expansion for instance, and through multiplying, and therefore also through changing.
In our imagination existence arises from non-existence because it was not there before, and yet the not cannot become more or less. It infinitely surrounds existence. Only the not can be infinite.
Are we just playing with thoughts? Are they of no substance? Yet, does our existence perhaps return to the not, timelessly so? Is it not our deepest longing to dissolve into an eternal not and to be nothing with it? In this sense, is the not the ultimate accomplishment?
Back to our experience. In recollection and in stillness we experience ourselves as more through less. In this way everything essential is more through less, for the nonessential falls away from it.
This movement we experience as a movement towards a not. In this movement time also becomes less, and at the same time, because we experience the empty time as full, it also becomes more. It also moves towards a not.
Concerning time, we experience some things as timelessly valid. The flow of time cannot diminish these things because it remains timeless. They do not move and yet remain in the flow of time as if timelessly there. When we speak of the pure, is the pure still there? Or does it shift from existence into a not? Is a pure thought still thought? Is a pure love still loved? Is completion still there, or does something that was end with its completion? Yet the pure thought is not empty, just as pure love and completion are not empty. Not-being is full. In this sense, in contrast to being, which is still lacking something, the not is infinitely full. The same way the full time is timeless. Where shall it go?
Does being add something to the not? Does the not become more through it? Or does being return to the not, without adding anything to it? Only existence completes itself in the not, by ending in it, yet the not never does.
These thoughts circle ultimately around God. Only the thoughts about the not, in contrast to being, make the thought of God conceivable, purely conceivable. So it also goes with our love and with our completion. They all end in the not -- timeless, infinite, pure.